Every ending comes with an opportunity for a new beginning
Dawn woke up at Walter Reed Army Medical Centre in Washington DC with her right arm amputated at the shoulder, ten days after the grenade attack on her team in Iraq. On gaining consciousness, she looked over at her arm and recollected, thinking, ‘My life is over.’
Sometimes, it is difficult and nerve wrecking to think of accepting the end of a phase in life, not to mention accepting the reality of the end of life, as we know it. Letting go of what we know, are familiar and comfortable with for many years can be scary – either in issues of relationship, career or location. It is at this point we begin to ask ourselves many questions that we don’t have answers to. What do I do now? This is what I know to do all my life! Where do I start from? Age is not on my side anymore! Who will want me? I’m not use to depending on anyone! The questions seems unending and cast a shadow on our motivation and confidence about our next move.
Dawn Halfaker, an American Army Lieutenant was part of the US Military troops sent to Iraq in 2004. During one of their night patrols near Baghdad, she was riding in an armoured Humvee with four other soldiers. As their vehicle rounded a corner, they were attached by the Taliban, targeted with a rocket-propelled grenade, which ripped through the Humvee and injured the soldiers inside. The grenade hit Dawn’s right arm, broke five of her ribs and bruised her lungs before exploding just behind her head. Doctors didn’t expect her to live.
More often than not, ending leaves us with a reality we are not prepared for, a life we could not have imagined in a million years if we live that long
This unexpected event not only change the direction of her life, it changed her entire life. She would not be able to continue to do what she loved, being a US army officer. More often than not, ending leaves us with a reality we are not prepared for, a life we could not have imagined in a million years if we live that long. In the last few years after the aftermath of the global recession, many were forced out of their jobs and livelihoods. It was not by choice but simply the dictates of the economic landscape. In the midst of the unprecedented lay-offs, some interpreted the situation differently and started their own businesses, rather than wait for someone to employ them again. Well, at the time, no one was hiring anyway. The truth is, if we are not clouded by our present situation signalling an end and choose to see beyond it, we could discover that the situation actually presents an opportunity for a new beginning, a clean slate to do something different.
After Dawn woke up from coma at Washington DC, she set her mind on recovering as quick as possible. During her ten-month stay at the Medical Centre, she interned atCapitol Hill for US Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif). She was then accepted at Georgetown University, where she completed a master’s degree in Security Studies. This was a change in direction for her but she leveraged on her experiences and training for a new beginning. In my email conversation with Dawn, she said, “Sometimes it takes the death of a dream to realise a destiny. My injury forced me to retire my dream of serving in the US Army, but ushered me into a destiny I had no knowledge of.”
Sometimes it takes the death of a dream to realise a destiny
The Underdogs
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. Most times, we overestimate what we face and underestimate our ability and capacity to adapt and make the most of our new reality. We generally hold ourselves back because of the ‘perfect’ life we believe we are losing, forgetting how and what we did to create the memories…..but could this be another opportunity to create more memories with different conditions? It may not look like it, but new beginning after an ending is progress in itself. There is nothing in a caterpillar that suggest it has the potential or tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. We may lose something good but we may gain something better. Caterpillar lost its cocoon to gain a beautiful butterfly with the ability to fly. Something beautiful may be on the other side of the sad ending.
Most times, we overestimate what we face and underestimate our ability and capacity to adapt and make the most of our new reality
In 2006 (only a year and half after her injury) Dawn started her own company, Halfaker and Associates in Washington DC providing National Security services. At the time of this writing, her five-year old firm employs 160 people and has projected revenue of over $10million for the next financial year.
I am by no mean suggesting the transition from the ending and possible new beginning will be a walk in the park or automatic. The transition or transformation will make a demand of everything your life stands for. From my experience and what I have observed, it is evident that today’s struggles are developing the strength we need for tomorrow’s demand. Even though butterfly calls caterpillar’s ending its beginning, there is a transformation period between the two defining events. The pupa is the transformation stage where the caterpillar tissues are broken down and the butterfly structure is formed. Some ending we are holding on to may be presenting an opportunity for transformation into another phase in life. I started writing after I lost my one million pound property development company. Today, I can say I have no regrets. The experiences made a better version of me. Was the transition easy and straightforward? Definitely not! There were many days of tears and second guessing myself, lost total confidence in myself, afraid to attempt anything for fear of failure and rejection.
Even though butterfly calls caterpillar’s ending its beginning, there is a transformation period between the two defining events.
Facing The End
Most endings are brought about by unexpected (and sometimes even expected but inevitable) events that interrupt the flow of our lives. These could include divorce, accident, redundancy, the death of a loved one, loss of any kind, disappointment, betrayal, failure, disagreements or heartbreak..
How can we deal with these unexpected interruptions, to transit and make a fresh start in life...though it may mean a complete change in the direction of our lives completely?
1. Accept the Reality
For many people, denial is the first reaction to an interruption. We refuse to believe or process the fact that the person walked away, or someone died, or that the business relationship will no longer work, that we could ever be in that predicament, that ‘this’ could be happening to us.
Denial is good for ignoring reality and wishing it would go away. It does not numb or reduce the effect of the occurrence. It does not undo the occurrence, or even somehow soften the blow of the interruption. Sometimes, denial is merely a layer of thought that we place on our minds to distract ourselves from thinking too deeply or considering the consequence of such an interruption. But denial can only last for so long. You can only avoid the truth for so long. Your new reality may not be something you ever envisioned yourself in, but there comes a time when you will have to remove the false layer and let the truth in. Understand, accept, and come to terms with the reality of your sudden situation. Acceptance is the first step in healing, moving forward, and turning life’s lemons into lemonade.
2. See the Good
There is almost always good in every bad situation. There is always a lesson to learn, something to understand; it just depends on how you see your situation, or the lens through which you view them. If you see your situation as permanently damaging with no hope of ever turning around for good, then it will be just that. The thought will weigh your mind down so that you are only able to see utter terribleness. Your hands cannot work to achieve what your mind cannot see or conceive. At the very least, endings are an opportunity to try again, to begin again, to make different choices and hopefully get it right. It is popularly said that the trials and the tests in life will either make us bitter or better; it all depends on us. We have to first make the choice to see the ray of sunshine when darkness looms persistently in our faces. We have to decide who we want to be, victim or victor. We have to decide to see the good. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.” If we allow insides to be filled with bitterness, it will permeate our every thought, and we will never be able to consider a possible other side. Whether we are ultimately victim or victor, it begins in the mind; things may not look like they could be good, but we must decide to hope against hope. You may not see it immediately but there is something good about the bad situation. You just need to look at the situation another way and figure it out while you adapt
3. Ask for Help
Some people associate asking for help with weakness or failure. And some, understandably, are ashamed to seek support because of the failure of the decisions they made. If you are like me, then you hate to hear “I told you so”. This could keep you away from the help you need at this critical time. You need a lot of support; don’t shut people out of your life. The help you need may not even be material or substantial. It may be validation, a pat on the back, a listening ear, a smile that says, “I understand”, a shoulder to lean on, or just the knowledge that someone cares. These are no less important than financial or material support, and it is not wrong to want those. Whether material or not, the help you need is in people, men and women who are the carriers of your comfort. Don’t isolate yourself; they may be your greatest asset at such a time.
Don’t allow what you can’t do stop you from changing what you have control over
4. Focus on What You Can Do
It is easy to be despondent about the things we cannot change or control. Don’t allow what you can’t do stop you from changing what you have control over. Discover what you can do or learn to do in order to adapt and continue to live your life. This point ties back to the previous one in the sense that, one may not be able to see clearly or think objectively in the middle of thick fogs of uncertainty. But other people can. They can help us see what we don’t see, they can teach us what we do not know. Relationships can be the difference between moving forward despite a bad hand, and moving aimlessly in the same circle. The Serenity Prayer reads, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Extract from my new book – Little Details Big Shift (Updated and Expanded), will be released in September 2016
